Let go and let God

I have never really gotten involved in Lent years past. I don't really remember it being talked about or celebrated raising up. This year I have really pondered on what it should be that I give up for the first time. My whole life I have tried over and over again to give it all to God, as I stated in yesterday's blog. I always took things to the alter praying that I would leave them there, I don't know that I can honestly say that I have always done that. It is hard to give full control to someone I have never "physically" met. So this year I am working on giving up control and letting God. So for Lent I can't say that many would think that it is a true sacrifice, however, for me it is huge. I am the biggest scardy cat you have ever met. I don't like scary movies, staying home by myself, watching local news in fear that something scary is happening in Lafayette. I also think that there is someone that hides on in the closet at night and someone who always wants in the apartment after we go to bed. In the recent months Keith has started to leave a kitchen light on for me so I can see into the front of the apartment. As well as, leaving the bathroom light on so I can see down the little hallway. I am going to face my fears in the next 38 days and lean on God for comfort rather than a light.
Last night was the first night in this for me, I got a late start. When I woke up at 2 to go to the bathroom, I laid in bed hoping that the urge would go away so that I didn't have to face the dark apartment. It didn't so I bravely got up, reminding myself that God is my protector. 4 oclock came around and I did it again. The second time a little less brave getting back to the bedroom.
Like I said I know that it is silly for many, however it is a huge step for me to let God be in control.
I have to remind myself that I serve a Mighty God!

Am I faithful enough for Him?

This morning I woke up not feeling well. I decided to sit for a while in silence, anyone that knows me knows I hate silence. Interesting what God can do in a few moments of silence. I sat here wondering why I was choosing this morning to sit in silence, missing all my morning news and talk shows. Then I began to think about Lint and the meaning of it. I began to think about the many scarifies that God made for ME. Then I began to think back to a few months ago in the prayer room at spiritual retreat where I began to make many promises to God and laying it all in his hands. As I sat there that day drawing a picture of Keith and I with our baby at the foot of the cross, I made a promise that I would hand over my marriage, pregnancy, and family to God, giving Him full control. Who knew that the next weekend our baby's life would be put in danger and that I would be placed on bed rest? I also recall trying to pick up the pieces and take things into my own hands since God wasn't doing it the way I wanted. I remember getting angry at God because he let me down! It was His fault that I was hoping for another week to go by so our baby had a better chance of living!

Quickly, I was reminded that He still had control of the situation, he hasn't let me down yet, it's not His fault.

So as I am reminded today of that night in the prayer room when I gave it all to Him, I am also reminded that he never gives up on me. There was one song that I listened to that night, called This is our God. That song has more meaning in it than could ever be explained. The line that sits heavy in my heart today is He brings glory to the humble and crown to the faithful. I am left with the question Am I faithful enough for that crown?

Every little movement....

I have really been reflecting on this pregnancy a lot lately. Tuesday night, I slept the entire night waking up at 7:15 realizing it was probably time to go the bathroom. Of course, since I didn't wake up for a restroom break through out the night, I begin to have fears of the pregnancy. My first thought is, I'm not pregnant she didn't push on my bladder. So as I sat here all morning just waiting for our baby to move, giving me relief. When she started she didn't stop:).

I remember at the beginning of my pregnancy sitting in Sunday School and saying I just want to feel her move and know everything is okay. Someone had said to me, "you are going to be one of those women who love every little movement". Yes, yes, I will be.

Last night my husband had me listen to a Rob Bell sermon about God's timing. There was a couple who gave their testimony of miscarriages and finally having a successful pregnancy. The lady talked about how every little movement was a blessing, how worried she was about something going wrong.

I was/am so that person. This whole pregnancy has brought on many emotions. In the beginning we were worried about sharing our joy of being pregnant, with the fear that we would lose this baby too. Then hearing that heartbeat for the first time was one of the best days of our lives. In December we found out that I have placenta previa, which as long as the baby was okay, so were we. Later in December being rushed to the hospital and realizing that we were not out of the tunnel yet, was a hard thing to accept. Each Wednesday marks another week of a healthy pregnancy.
I am that crazy person who chuckles at a little tickle in my belly, cries at a kick I have longed to feel, and filled with joy for every movement that my husband can experience with me.

I am so ready for April to be here, so that we can have our bundle of joy safe in our arms. She will truly be a blessing like no other, a miracle in our eyes.

Day 5 of bed rest

Things just became interesting, to say the least, this past week. After waking to what felt and looked like a murder scene, rushing to two emergency rooms, having many needles and such poking me, and finally hearing a heartbeat, I can say we survived to say the least. The doctor has placed me on bed rest until at least the end of January if not longer. You would think that I would enjoy being at home in my pj's all day. Which I would if I could also clean the house and act as a wife. Right now my wonderful husband is, husband, wife, daddy-to-be, and worker. It's really hard sitting knowing that there are a million things to do.
I appreciate Lisa Epsteen for setting up meals for us, even though there's only two of us, it helps so much for Keith to not have to come home and cook too.
Other than struggling with not being able to do things around the house. I struggle with being away from Kiddie Kollege. I can honestly say that I never knew I would miss it like I do. I just think about the cries, laughs, hugs, talking about whats in my belly, the wonderful support of my staff. Lets just say that I will so be ready to go back to work:).
I am praying that bed rest will become easier however, not sure that it will, maybe even harder.

The great thing about today is that we have made it to week 24 of the pregnancy! If peanut was born today she would have a chance of survival. We have many milestones to work towards. The next milestone is week 28, this is the same week that our next dr. appt. If we make it there then our next goal will be week 32. Another goal that we have is that we are trying to stay out of the hospital as long as possible.

Through all of this, I keep reminding myself that in a few months this is going to be worth it all. So right now I am enjoying every little kick and punch while sitting in my chair with pillows, heating pad, blanket, computer, remote, and phone.

Our little girl will be with us very soon...she will be/ is our miracle.

Our precious baby girl

About a week ago we were able to see our unborn little girl. She was kicking, punching, squirming, sucking her thumb, you name it she was doing it. It just amazed me how much she was moving and yet I couldn't feel every kick and punch. Seeing her makes.....the aches, pains, minutes of finding a comfortable position, the oversized bump that is turning my walks into waddles...all worth it.

The doctor has shared with us that I have complete placenta previa. Meaning that the baby is perfectly healthy and growing right on schedule, however the placenta is in the way of delivery. At this time we are looking at delivery via c-section a week early. Most likely will be out of work a month before her arrival. Just glad to hear that she is growing as planned:)

After seeing her move all around she has her daddy wrapped around her little pinky. He is waiting so patiently to feel her move, but she is just not ready for that yet. Doesn't she know this is the only time that it is okay to kick her daddy? Hoping that this will happen in a few weeks:)

We will be at 22 weeks this week, seems pretty amazing that we are at this point. Realizing that we are over half way with the pregnancy puts a little anxiety in us. Like what crib is perfect, what house will fit our family, what name should our little one have that will say so much, are we ready for her? We want everything to be perfect for our little blessing as she enters this world.

So for the next 4.5 months we will prepare for her arrival in so many ways. Can't wait to have her little fingers wrap around mine. It is going to be pure bliss. Thank you Lord for a healthy little girl!

Music Want List

So I have been thinking lately about CD's that I would really enjoy listening to as well as owning. Here is the start to the list (No particular order):


Mariah Carey, albums:
Greatest Hits
Christmas Music
#1's
Mariah Carey

Jeremy Camp, albums:
Carried Me: The Worship Project Song
Beyond Measure
Stay

David Crowder Band, album:
Church Music

Jewel, album:
Pieces of you

Whitney Houston, albums:
Whitney (We had this on record when I was a little girl:))
The Greatest Hits

Taylor Swift, album:
Taylor Swift

Hillsong, album:
United We Stand

There are many memories that you put with songs. For example, I remember listening to Whitney Houston as a little girl with my sister in her room; Jewel during Halloween one year; Hillsong: Inside Out was sung at Celebrate Life 09 and God really spoke to me.

Our little peanut

Keith didn't blog it so I have to:) It has just been an amazing 24 hours. Last Tuesday of course we found out that we were pregnant, but that was not good enough for Keith, so we tested again on Wednesday:). With all the scare of the last m/c we have been on guard this time. Yesterday they scheduled us to go in and find a heartbeat. (Side note this is the same lady that did the u/s the last time.) So we got in the room with the lady and she was going over how it would all work, etc. So when she began to do the ultrasound we thought she said there was no heartbeat. But she was so happy for us that she said it too fast. She said there is a heartbeat, as we looked up on the screen and saw this little thing just pounding, a since of relief came on me. But then she turned on the sound and we were able to hear it and everything, "babump babump"! What a sweet sweet sound. Keith was so excited that he got his iPhone (funny thing I did spell check and it corrected iPhone, oh technology:)) out and took a picture. She said that most likely the heart just started beating within the last 48 hours. The baby/embryo looks like a peanut:) that is how the tech kept referring to it. The total length I believe is .44cm, big baby huh?:).

I just can't explain the joys of hearing the heartbeat.

Oh for those of you who wonder what the sex is......there is a 50% chance it is a girl!:)

Can't wait to meet this baby on 4.14.10!