Bitterness towards God

It finally hit me last Sunday in church...I am so bitter and angry towards God for what has been done. I have put on a mask for long enough. I couldn't figure out why when it was time to worship, I thought about this miscarriage and then the anger blew my cup over. But now it is all clear. I am so angry that we were chosen to go through this. There are people everyday that abort, kill, give up their babies; that is not who we are. I felt that we had a loving home, morals, and a relationship with Christ beyond (always needing growth).
After the physical pain left, I am now dealing with the emotional. I hate the way that I treat my husband by blowing up for no reason, I hate getting angry and crying or closing up. This has consumed me and made me someone who I am not.
I don't want to be bitter towards God, I don't want this to consume me, I don't want to envy those who are still with child. I do want the same feeling that I use to have when I stepped in the doors of church, a time that was well needed after a crazy week.
I need a renewing within my soul. I need peace that overflows. I need grace like rain.
As pastor Troy spoke of bitterness last Sunday it has laid heavy on my heart. I know I am bitter! Today I did a devotion with my teachers talking about things that take us through the valley. Here is the description of the writer, "It's like being stuck in the mud and not able to look at the giant in the face.
(I know I always turn to music for answers and comfort) But How Great Thou Art has been on my mind this week. I don't know why it has nothing to do with my feelings. I do know this; He is an amazing God and I just want him close to my heart again. I want the burden lifted so I can sing, HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!!

Please continue to pray for me that I will overcome this valley, get out of the mud and be free within my heart/soul again.

Life is back to normal

Wow, what a day. The anxiety of what would come out of the doctor's appointment, that I felt took over my day. After speaking to my OB/GYN, there was nothing that I could have done differently to protect the baby. She believes that it is a complete freak accident. The next time there will be more observation from week 6 until I am finished with my 1st trimester. The miscarriage is complete, however, after talking to her I think that she was surprised that I didn't go to the hospital with it to have a DNC. Anyways all is well and we will be able to try again in about 2 months. Thank you for all of your prayers

Blessed Be Your Name

So this week I have had both good and bad moments with the loss of the baby. It is weird that for 2 months that is all that I thought about, there was a new excitement in our lives. Quickly it is taken away with a blink of an eye. We have been so blessed to have all of our friends and brothers and sisters in Christ just praying for our recovery.

We are excited about getting started as soon as the doctor gives us the clear, after all we were both so psyched about this last baby. :) Tomorrow is the follow-up appointment with our doctor. I am assuming this will be a time for questions as well as a time to make sure the miscarriage was successful naturally.

I said all of that to get here. Saturday my mom surprised me from North Carolina. So her and I went to church yesterday. I was looking forward to this service all week and then when I woke up Sunday morning realizing once again this is going to be akward because she does not go to church. But as the service started I decided that I would not change my ways of praise to suit the situation. As we were singing, my mind was on this miscarriage and I realized this, that for the past week I have had this mask on that everything is okay and that there will be another chance. However as we sung Blessed Be Your Name, I realized how much hurt is inside and I don't totally understand why God choose to take our baby away. There are many people who have babies everyday and don't want theirs. Here we are trying and excited about being blessed and it is all stripped away.

Here are the lyrics:
Blessed be Your name In the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name When I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name
CHORUS: Every blessing You pour out I'll Turn back to praise And when the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me When the world's "all as it should be" Blessed be You name And blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name
CHORUS
You give and take away You give and take away My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name I will bless Your name
CHORUS
Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away You give and take away My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name

We do know that this is a season and one day we will use this minister to someone. But right now it hurts. Where there were once three there are now two.

Through it all though help me Lord to remember: Blessed be the name of the Lord!

We lost one, He gained one...

So I don't know what to say or what to do at this point. If I lay here then I think about things I should not think about. The only thing that seems to keep my mind off of the rocky road is facebook, blogging, and emails. Today Keith and I received some rough news. We are loosing our 1st baby. Complications started on Monday; Tuesday we had an ultrasound showing the baby only at 6 weeks while I was thinking I was 8.5 weeks.; also on Tuesday we ran blood test to check my HcG levels. Today I had my second blood work done to find out that my HcG levels (hormones) are descending. The baby has now been dead for 3 weeks as of today. It's little heart never started beating. I am dealing with a lot of pain both in my heart and physically.

It is amazing how much you can love and care for something you hadn't ever met. All of the pain will soon be over hopefully in a few days. I believe that Keith and I are ready for it to all be over and life to go back to what it was before all of this happened. Here is what I remember from friends in the past:

One friend said this with their recent miscarriage: It was never ours, God never gave it to us.
Thought: Realizing and thinking about this, has made me thankful that this baby never has to face this cold and crazy world. The other great thing, it has made it to Heaven before me.

Another friend said this: When loosing our baby we were angry wondering why it happened to us. But now we realize that we would not have had our boy if the other baby made it.
Thought: this is not the end for us. We have all intentions of continuing in family planning. I will some day be able to say that our other baby would not be here if this baby made it.

I do know this, Life is crazy and uncontrollable. I just want all of this to be over with quickly. One moment all is fine and I look up to the positive side of it. Another moment I am crying wondering why this happened to us. I know that God has a plan for our life and we are ready to move on to what is in his will.