It finally hit me last Sunday in church...I am so bitter and angry towards God for what has been done. I have put on a mask for long enough. I couldn't figure out why when it was time to worship, I thought about this miscarriage and then the anger blew my cup over. But now it is all clear. I am so angry that we were chosen to go through this. There are people everyday that abort, kill, give up their babies; that is not who we are. I felt that we had a loving home, morals, and a relationship with Christ beyond (always needing growth).
After the physical pain left, I am now dealing with the emotional. I hate the way that I treat my husband by blowing up for no reason, I hate getting angry and crying or closing up. This has consumed me and made me someone who I am not.
I don't want to be bitter towards God, I don't want this to consume me, I don't want to envy those who are still with child. I do want the same feeling that I use to have when I stepped in the doors of church, a time that was well needed after a crazy week.
I need a renewing within my soul. I need peace that overflows. I need grace like rain.
As pastor Troy spoke of bitterness last Sunday it has laid heavy on my heart. I know I am bitter! Today I did a devotion with my teachers talking about things that take us through the valley. Here is the description of the writer, "It's like being stuck in the mud and not able to look at the giant in the face.
(I know I always turn to music for answers and comfort) But How Great Thou Art has been on my mind this week. I don't know why it has nothing to do with my feelings. I do know this; He is an amazing God and I just want him close to my heart again. I want the burden lifted so I can sing, HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!!
Please continue to pray for me that I will overcome this valley, get out of the mud and be free within my heart/soul again.
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4 comments:
K,
Everything you are feeling is normal. I am sorry again for your loss. I love you and will pray for your healing. It will take time; it is a process. Hugs!
Your roomie
I know how hard that is to feel, and how much harder it is to say.
Know that there is not a right or wrong way to grieve this loss nor is there any set time period. I know how hard it is to hear that it is going to take time, but it will get better.
You are in my thoughts often and I am always here if you need anything.
Kimber-just catching up on your blog and reading through some old posts. I want you to know that you are not alone. Everything you are describing is so raw and real. And you know what? God knows too. He is probably angry right there with you-the injustice of it all.
Rick and I really struggled after our miscarriage. It took a long time for us to both realize that there was a bunch of stuff there under the surface that had been ignored for a long time. Any kind of loss is so hard on a marriage. And NORMAL!!!
Thankfully, we both have pretty great guys who are so patient with us and we can be sure that they aren't going anywhere, no matter how bad the "worse" part of "for better or worse" gets.
I know that God is going to bless you with a little one of your very own. You are going to be a great momma and I cannot wait to celebrate that with you. We may not always understand or like the path God takes us on to accomplish His purposes-but one thing is for sure: He is faithful, He has got a hold of you so tightly, and He will bless you for your obedience to Him. Okay, that was three things.
Just wanted to let you know that I love you-if you ever need to talk, I'm just a phone call (and a very short drive) away-seriously, anytime.
Love you!
Thank you so much, sometimes I just feel alone. Poor Keith really doesn't know what to think of all of my emotional spouts that come. He has been awesome. I so appreciate your prayers. It keeps me going knowing that people like you care.
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