Our little peanut

Keith didn't blog it so I have to:) It has just been an amazing 24 hours. Last Tuesday of course we found out that we were pregnant, but that was not good enough for Keith, so we tested again on Wednesday:). With all the scare of the last m/c we have been on guard this time. Yesterday they scheduled us to go in and find a heartbeat. (Side note this is the same lady that did the u/s the last time.) So we got in the room with the lady and she was going over how it would all work, etc. So when she began to do the ultrasound we thought she said there was no heartbeat. But she was so happy for us that she said it too fast. She said there is a heartbeat, as we looked up on the screen and saw this little thing just pounding, a since of relief came on me. But then she turned on the sound and we were able to hear it and everything, "babump babump"! What a sweet sweet sound. Keith was so excited that he got his iPhone (funny thing I did spell check and it corrected iPhone, oh technology:)) out and took a picture. She said that most likely the heart just started beating within the last 48 hours. The baby/embryo looks like a peanut:) that is how the tech kept referring to it. The total length I believe is .44cm, big baby huh?:).

I just can't explain the joys of hearing the heartbeat.

Oh for those of you who wonder what the sex is......there is a 50% chance it is a girl!:)

Can't wait to meet this baby on 4.14.10!

Failure again and again.......

If you are reading this....please forgive me from the beginning. It might be hard to understand the things that come from my heart. This is not proof read nor sensored, it is just my raw self.
Here is some hard truth that I had to face this week. Another month of failure has come my way. With every month it becomes a little, no a lot harder to stay positive. I know that stress does not help in this category at all, which could be my problem. But after trying and trying and getting nothing but failure in the end it seems impossible.
I am not even sure if I know where to go from here or who. It seems like playing by the book and doing everything right doesn't work, so what will? I am becoming desperate for a satisfaction that I am not sure I will be given. Maybe it is not God's will for me and that is hard to chew on. Maybe it is just not my time. Not really sure what it is other than failure. You know your whole life you have plans and dreams for yourself just assuming that they will be done. But this one is out of my hands, I don't know how I feel about that. I want complete control and God is not giving that to me.
This month I was ready to face the music of a negative, but then things seemed promising, and now I face the hard truth of it's just not happening.
It is interesting how much in the closet you feel you need to be with things. But I feel like it is all me and that I am facing it alone. Fighting back the tears and frustration. Am I going through the motions alone? I feel that way a lot of times.
So I will sit here and face another month of questioning and wondering if God will bless me.
Maybe next month will be my month, or maybe it will becoming more of an issue and another step of life I don't want to face. Who knows what is in my near future.
I just know that it is getting harder and harder......doubt is high in this heart of mine......bitterness is swallowing me like a weed swallows a plant.....I am crying out, no screaming out for satisfaction. I will leave here with another mask on my face/heart and deal with the truth.Maybe I am just asking for the impossible right now........

Goals for the next 20 years of my life

I have really been thinking this week about what goals I have set for myself or have failed to set for myself. So in realizing that I have not truly sat down and written them out I am now. Here's my top 10- no certain order.

1.) Have our first child- within a year
2.) Have Kiddie Kollege enrollment to 80- within a year
3.) Have half of Kiddie Kollege church students- within 5 years
4.) Have a place to call "home"- within a year
5.) Go on a cruise with the hubby- within a two years
6.) Go to a foreign country- with in 20 years.
7.) Have a one pay check in savings- 1 year
8.) Buy a new car- 5 years
9.)Working on second child- 4 years
10.) become a stay at home- reasonably 4 years (would love sooner)

Those are just some of my goals that I want to accomplish in the next 20 years.