If you are reading this....please forgive me from the beginning. It might be hard to understand the things that come from my heart. This is not proof read nor sensored, it is just my raw self.
Here is some hard truth that I had to face this week. Another month of failure has come my way. With every month it becomes a little, no a lot harder to stay positive. I know that stress does not help in this category at all, which could be my problem. But after trying and trying and getting nothing but failure in the end it seems impossible.
I am not even sure if I know where to go from here or who. It seems like playing by the book and doing everything right doesn't work, so what will? I am becoming desperate for a satisfaction that I am not sure I will be given. Maybe it is not God's will for me and that is hard to chew on. Maybe it is just not my time. Not really sure what it is other than failure. You know your whole life you have plans and dreams for yourself just assuming that they will be done. But this one is out of my hands, I don't know how I feel about that. I want complete control and God is not giving that to me.
This month I was ready to face the music of a negative, but then things seemed promising, and now I face the hard truth of it's just not happening.
It is interesting how much in the closet you feel you need to be with things. But I feel like it is all me and that I am facing it alone. Fighting back the tears and frustration. Am I going through the motions alone? I feel that way a lot of times.
So I will sit here and face another month of questioning and wondering if God will bless me.
Maybe next month will be my month, or maybe it will becoming more of an issue and another step of life I don't want to face. Who knows what is in my near future.
I just know that it is getting harder and harder......doubt is high in this heart of mine......bitterness is swallowing me like a weed swallows a plant.....I am crying out, no screaming out for satisfaction. I will leave here with another mask on my face/heart and deal with the truth.Maybe I am just asking for the impossible right now........
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I know how hard it is to be real, to be vulnerable. For you, much like me, it goes against everything that we fight so hard to portray with a painted on smile.
I am reading this in tears because I have lived there, if living is even what you call it. Maybe just existing, because really that is all I was doing. I know how hard it is to look all around you and see the very thing that you would give anything to have. I know how much it burns..stings..becomes all consuming..I know how much it hurts, I know how you feel.
But I have also experienced the other side. The part that will come for you. That part that everyone swore would come with "time", a word that I hated because it wasn't in mine.
Take this time that you have to cherish where you are. Looking back, I wish I would have been able to continue to live in those waiting moments, more than just existing in them.
Hopes and dreams are such a funny thing. We are taught as little girls to have them, we convince ourselves that because we wish it to be a certain way, anything less is failure. You haven't failed in anyway, and you haven't failed anyone. More importantly, He hasn't failed you.
I know how much you hate hearing this, but it comes from my heart and from experience, your time will come. Not only will it come, but it will have a way of taking away all the pain and frustration that you have right now. I can promise you that.
I love you and will be continuing to pray that you will be flooded with a sense of peace that will see you through until the time that you are flooded with a joy that words can not even explain.
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